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westonlockley: (Default)
Thursday, August 5th, 2010 09:29 am
god murders 103 people on a plane

forgets to kill one young boy


On May 12th, 2010, god mercilessly killed 103 people, including 11 crew members on an Airbus-flight to Tripoli, Libya. Everything, from the randomness to the injustice of the killings, points to Yahweh (a.k.a. Jehovah). Only one boy, who he evidently overlooked, survived the carnage by accident.

Scientists are baffled. "The theory behind airplanes is sound," they argue. "The technique has been proven again and again. The pilot was excellently trained, in good health and a teetotaler. He was happily and devoutly married. To a woman. There is no scientific reason imaginable why this plane should have crashed. The conclusion is inescapable: it was an act of god. He willfully killed those people. Thanks to coincidence one boy survived."

Pastor Houg Dumphrey (Apex, N.C.): "I heard the tapes out of the black box. It was panic all around. People were loudly imploring god to save their lives. One young man of 19, with his whole life still before him, sent a text message to his girlfriend from his mobile phone that he was praying to god to keep him safe. She, very sensibly, immediately went on Twitter. 'Pleese help me pray 4 my bf who is in a plain crush. praice the lord. RT if u agree. #bieberfans' It was all in vain. Notwithstanding all the prayers, he murdered them all callously. Only that boy survived. It's really a coincidence!"

TV-evangelist Matt Focker has railed against the godless, immoral, unbelieving scum who blame god. "God is blameless. He created it all, so he can do as he pleases. When you make a child with your spouse in holy matrimony, nobody of sound mind will deny that this child is your property to do with as you please. We must never forget that we are god's children and that he only tortures us because he loves us. He has his reasons. We're just to dumb to understand them. Send us money to help spread his word."

Benedict XVI has issued a statement that prayer is obviously useless. He has given orders to assemble a Holy Synod to investigate the possibility that the passengers were all grave sinners. "They probably were," the Vatican states. "They must have been all abhorrent unto him. Like the Canaanites, who also deserved to die. Painfully and cruelly. Or those evil little children of Egypt. Maybe the passengers were sloppy in attending mass, or worse, gay, which would explain why god murdered them."

Governor Rob Biley has declared next Sunday a day of prayer throughout the state of Alabama. "It's not because prayer has never ever worked in all of recorded history that it never will. That's so typical of scientific arrogance. As if science knows everything. Let's not forget god did not let that plane fall on one of the magnificent cities of our beautiful state. We should thank him for that. Lest he smites us."