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westonlockley: (Default)
Thursday, August 5th, 2010 09:29 am
god murders 103 people on a plane

forgets to kill one young boy


On May 12th, 2010, god mercilessly killed 103 people, including 11 crew members on an Airbus-flight to Tripoli, Libya. Everything, from the randomness to the injustice of the killings, points to Yahweh (a.k.a. Jehovah). Only one boy, who he evidently overlooked, survived the carnage by accident.

Scientists are baffled. "The theory behind airplanes is sound," they argue. "The technique has been proven again and again. The pilot was excellently trained, in good health and a teetotaler. He was happily and devoutly married. To a woman. There is no scientific reason imaginable why this plane should have crashed. The conclusion is inescapable: it was an act of god. He willfully killed those people. Thanks to coincidence one boy survived."

Pastor Houg Dumphrey (Apex, N.C.): "I heard the tapes out of the black box. It was panic all around. People were loudly imploring god to save their lives. One young man of 19, with his whole life still before him, sent a text message to his girlfriend from his mobile phone that he was praying to god to keep him safe. She, very sensibly, immediately went on Twitter. 'Pleese help me pray 4 my bf who is in a plain crush. praice the lord. RT if u agree. #bieberfans' It was all in vain. Notwithstanding all the prayers, he murdered them all callously. Only that boy survived. It's really a coincidence!"

TV-evangelist Matt Focker has railed against the godless, immoral, unbelieving scum who blame god. "God is blameless. He created it all, so he can do as he pleases. When you make a child with your spouse in holy matrimony, nobody of sound mind will deny that this child is your property to do with as you please. We must never forget that we are god's children and that he only tortures us because he loves us. He has his reasons. We're just to dumb to understand them. Send us money to help spread his word."

Benedict XVI has issued a statement that prayer is obviously useless. He has given orders to assemble a Holy Synod to investigate the possibility that the passengers were all grave sinners. "They probably were," the Vatican states. "They must have been all abhorrent unto him. Like the Canaanites, who also deserved to die. Painfully and cruelly. Or those evil little children of Egypt. Maybe the passengers were sloppy in attending mass, or worse, gay, which would explain why god murdered them."

Governor Rob Biley has declared next Sunday a day of prayer throughout the state of Alabama. "It's not because prayer has never ever worked in all of recorded history that it never will. That's so typical of scientific arrogance. As if science knows everything. Let's not forget god did not let that plane fall on one of the magnificent cities of our beautiful state. We should thank him for that. Lest he smites us."
westonlockley: (Default)
Saturday, July 31st, 2010 08:14 pm
"The most ridiculous concept ever perpetrated by Homo Sapiens is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of his creations, that he can be persuaded by their prayers, and becomes petulant if he does not receive this flattery. Yet this ridiculous notion, without one real shred of evidence to bolster it, has gone on to found one of the oldest, largest and least productive industries in history."


~ Robert A. Heinlein
westonlockley: (Default)
Monday, July 12th, 2010 12:52 pm
The power of prayer: a practical exercise for religious people.

Warning:
this exercise is only for non-atheists. Atheists should abstain as this won't work for them because of lack of faith.

This exercise is meant for religious people, to demonstrate the power of prayer.

If you're a religious person and you are an adult, you surely have children. Because you are heterosexual. You have more than one. Because you only have sex to further god's purpose, which is to populate the earth with more religious people.

For this exercise we'll need two children.

Take two (2) of your children (their age doesn't matter) and break an arm (1) of each. Use a hammer.

Take child A to an hospital and let it be treated by doctors. Whatever you do: don't pray for it. If you can't help yourself, pray something like: "Oh lord, don't heal this child."

Take child B and lay it on a couch or a bed. Gather your spouse and any other children you might have and start praying for it. Pray that its arm may be healed in the name of Jesus. Make it count. Don't hesitate to wail a bit.

It says in the bible that whatever you ask for you shall be given. And the bible tells the truth. Always. Literally.

Jesus himself confirmed this. You can command mountains. Healing a broken arm is peanuts in comparison. And Jesus wouldn't lie, now would he? Of course not.

Have faith. Pray. Pray. Pray.

Notice how those stupid doctors have put a plaster cast around child A's broken arm. Notice how uncomfortable that is. Notice how they make it take all kinds of pills. Notice how they give it injections with antibiotics. Notice how that hurts.

Notice how child B's wound begins to smell a bit putrefied. Notice how gangrene sets in. Don't worry. Don't panic. This is just god testing your faith. Rejoice. Your faith is strong. Invite your neighbors to come and pray with you. Have faith. Pray.

Try not to look too triumphant when you see child A struggling, while it tries to operate a computer and surf the net, with that awful cast hampering its every movement.

Try not to be upset by the howls of pain of child B. Just invite your congregation (yes, the whole congregation) over to your house to pray with you, your family and your neighbors. Pray loudly. Go all out. Come on, give it some oomph. You need to draw the lord's attention. He might be getting slightly hard of hearing by now or maybe he is otherwise engaged and he can't be everywhere at the same time, can he? Wait. Yes, he can. Anyhow, it will also drown out child B's anguished cries.

At the funeral of child B mock child A because its cast is itching.

While in prison for child neglect wonder why child A doesn't come to visit you but prefers playing basketball with its friends instead. How ungrateful. However, god is always with you. Marvel over god's kindness.

Realize how good the lord is. Understand that child B would have died anyway. Whether you broke its arm or not. Whether you took it to a stupid hospital or not. It was his will.

There are several possibilities.

Maybe he has called child B to him because it is so precious to him. In that case it is now sitting at his right hand, watching over you, its loving parent.

Maybe child B was an evil child and didn't deserve to be rescued. In that case it is now in hell and will burn forever and ever and ever. As it deserves. For being evil.

Realize you are an insignificant worm who can't understand the lord's purpose.

Prayer works. It says so in the bible. And everything in the bible is the literal truth. If this weren't the case you couldn't trust anything that is in the bible, could you? That would be just absurd.

Prayer works. Jesus says so. And Jesus wouldn't lie to you, would he? Of course he wouldn't. He loves you.

Pray.

It always works.

Pray.

(Also works great in case of a major oil spill according to Oil Spill Prayer and governor Bob Riley of Alabama. He is no idiot, is he?)


westonlockley: (Default)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2010 12:04 pm
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

~ Unknown