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July 12th, 2010

westonlockley: (Default)
Monday, July 12th, 2010 12:52 pm
The power of prayer: a practical exercise for religious people.

this exercise is only for non-atheists. Atheists should abstain as this won't work for them because of lack of faith.

This exercise is meant for religious people, to demonstrate the power of prayer.

If you're a religious person and you are an adult, you surely have children. Because you are heterosexual. You have more than one. Because you only have sex to further god's purpose, which is to populate the earth with more religious people.

For this exercise we'll need two children.

Take two (2) of your children (their age doesn't matter) and break an arm (1) of each. Use a hammer.

Take child A to an hospital and let it be treated by doctors. Whatever you do: don't pray for it. If you can't help yourself, pray something like: "Oh lord, don't heal this child."

Take child B and lay it on a couch or a bed. Gather your spouse and any other children you might have and start praying for it. Pray that its arm may be healed in the name of Jesus. Make it count. Don't hesitate to wail a bit.

It says in the bible that whatever you ask for you shall be given. And the bible tells the truth. Always. Literally.

Jesus himself confirmed this. You can command mountains. Healing a broken arm is peanuts in comparison. And Jesus wouldn't lie, now would he? Of course not.

Have faith. Pray. Pray. Pray.

Notice how those stupid doctors have put a plaster cast around child A's broken arm. Notice how uncomfortable that is. Notice how they make it take all kinds of pills. Notice how they give it injections with antibiotics. Notice how that hurts.

Notice how child B's wound begins to smell a bit putrefied. Notice how gangrene sets in. Don't worry. Don't panic. This is just god testing your faith. Rejoice. Your faith is strong. Invite your neighbors to come and pray with you. Have faith. Pray.

Try not to look too triumphant when you see child A struggling, while it tries to operate a computer and surf the net, with that awful cast hampering its every movement.

Try not to be upset by the howls of pain of child B. Just invite your congregation (yes, the whole congregation) over to your house to pray with you, your family and your neighbors. Pray loudly. Go all out. Come on, give it some oomph. You need to draw the lord's attention. He might be getting slightly hard of hearing by now or maybe he is otherwise engaged and he can't be everywhere at the same time, can he? Wait. Yes, he can. Anyhow, it will also drown out child B's anguished cries.

At the funeral of child B mock child A because its cast is itching.

While in prison for child neglect wonder why child A doesn't come to visit you but prefers playing basketball with its friends instead. How ungrateful. However, god is always with you. Marvel over god's kindness.

Realize how good the lord is. Understand that child B would have died anyway. Whether you broke its arm or not. Whether you took it to a stupid hospital or not. It was his will.

There are several possibilities.

Maybe he has called child B to him because it is so precious to him. In that case it is now sitting at his right hand, watching over you, its loving parent.

Maybe child B was an evil child and didn't deserve to be rescued. In that case it is now in hell and will burn forever and ever and ever. As it deserves. For being evil.

Realize you are an insignificant worm who can't understand the lord's purpose.

Prayer works. It says so in the bible. And everything in the bible is the literal truth. If this weren't the case you couldn't trust anything that is in the bible, could you? That would be just absurd.

Prayer works. Jesus says so. And Jesus wouldn't lie to you, would he? Of course he wouldn't. He loves you.


It always works.


(Also works great in case of a major oil spill according to Oil Spill Prayer and governor Bob Riley of Alabama. He is no idiot, is he?)